Construction: Part 1

Well look at this, Blogger has gotten all fancy. I'm liking this. It's been a while, but I think I can use it for a nice exit ramp from time to time to time.

Still settling in, as such.

Detour

Highway Polerand is now found here thanks to Chuck (which you could probably figure out from the domain name).

This blog will now be known as the Matlock Expressway. Enjoy.

Dammit

Have I told you, lately, how much I hate Blogger? Just lost ANOTHER post. And I'm going to blame blogger for it because today was REALLY frustrating with the school's network crapping out THREE times for half an hour +, and lots of other crap. And now, immediately after losing my post due to a freak IE crash, blogger is unreachable! DAMMIT.

This is not the way to start a new month. Especially after my least favorite/most hated month, April. Well here's what I have to say to you, May -- you can go to hell too. Sigh.

Things I say/think alot -- "I hate ..."

Says a lot.

Two favorite commercials right now (had a bunch of links, lost them, resentful, not caring now) is the Budweiser "Wingman" commercial, which is hilarious, and ... I forgot. The perfect end to a perfect day. Oh well, at least I didn't have a horrible accident and then was later tested positive for HIV, which I imagined would happen last night. I had big time bad premonitions about today, can't say it was a horrible day but it was very trying. Funny thing is, that commercial was the second one i was thinking of and now I can't think of the first ... sigh. I hate forgetting. I hate when things go wrong. I hate being reminded how fragile everything is, and how everything breaks down. There I go, I hate.

The frustration simply builds as I keep trying and keep failing to remember what it is I forgot just a few moments ago due to intense frustration. I hate commercials, especially now. And Blogger, for being down. When I need it.

This weblog entry was posted with Frequency by Brad Rhine.

Owww

So you see, as I was sitting down about to watch 10 minutes of World's Strongest Man competition before I had to rush off to literature, I banged my elbow right on the corner of my desk. Maybe it hit the "funny bone" -- I don't know. It did hurt like Hell, and right now, it still hurts a bit. And it's red. And and and.

Last night, what did I do? I played HALO with other students on the LAN from 7 or so to 12:30. Yes, a good five and a half hours. Most of it with my roomie and we got our asses handed to us often. Until we picked the game mode. Rockets with 8 people is crazy, and I achieved a new feat that we had not seen. There is a Double Kill (voice says it, too) when you kill two people quickly and last night I found Triple Kill as well as Killtacular (4). Woo. Lots of fun, even though I felt like I really wasted the day. And then this morning, when I woke up for a few minutes I decided a few things. I've had Japanese for two semesters, this whole year, and I've missed class once, last week. Once in a whole year (excluding when she cancelled class, like Tuesday and this Friday). And all we're doing this week is reviewing for the final, which is not comprehensive. So I'm taking the day off and sleeping! And that's what I did. First ditch of this semester a week before finals. Oh well.

Think I'm gonna play HALO tonight, too, heh. No point in watching the Jazz lose more and more games. Hah. So much for their big lead -- they lost that game. I truly feel bad for them. If I'm not mistaken (which happens daily) they won an ABA championship but nothing since. The song from the other day was "Creep" by Radiohead, for those wondering.

Oh, and I got my 3rd manuscript back today. A few problems (I spelled all right as alright, which is wrong -- she used the word "heinous") but overall glowing reports, so I'm pleased. Said it was funny, which it was supposed to be, but it needed more, which didn't surprise me, but I'm a bit of a slacker, so I don't want to do more. Heh. Cha, cha, cha.

Sym City

One of my favorite Super Nintendo games, aside from the obligatory Final Fantasy IV (VI in Japan, hence VII on Playstation and since then U.S. and Japan have been on the same track), was Sim City. It was better than the computer version my dad owned (still has it somewhere, I'm sure) because it was in color! Yes, color is better. Fun times, until it was stolen.

But that really has nothing to do with anything.

•Finding it hard to get motivated and feel interested in things.

Hum. So many times it is that I bring up a certain teacher saying I had no motivation. And as many times that I agreed and agree. Cha, cha, cha.

•Wanting to avoid friends and everyday activities.

Um ... yeah. Heh, isn't that normal?

•Difficulty concentrating or making decisions.

Sometimes I just sit there and don't have a clue what's going on. Disconnected from my body, almost. But I guess the decisions bit depends on the magnitude of the decision. But sometimes it's a big thing, should I watch t.v. or not?

•Losing interest in eating, or overeating.

Can't say I ever "overeat" but I know I lose interest in eating. In fact, last night, I didn't eat dinner. I didn't even think about it until 9:30 and then it was so close to bedtime, what's the point? I snacked when I got hungry, but I didn't want to eat "dinner." Mostly eat because I should. Have gone 24 hours without food more than once.

•Losing weight, without dieting, or gaining weight.

I don't even know the last time I weighed myself on real scales. I like to weigh myself on the scales in my grandparent's homes (either a Florida thing, or an older person thing, or a grandparent thing) but I don't know how accurate those are. I guess the last time I was weighed was a year ago, though, when I had to get MMR shots (Note: Mother found my shot records awhile ago ... I wouldn't have had to get those shots had it been found earlier, but I wouldn't have gotten treatment for my strep throat so ... whatever) but I don't remember how much I weighed. I sincerely doubt I've gained or lost much weight.

•Finding it difficult to get to sleep, waking during the night, or waking too early and not being able to get back to sleep. Alternatively, wanting to sleep all the time.

Um ... yes, yes, yes, and yes. Pesky sleep.

(Skipping one -- because I can; I rule the Hiway)

•Having unpleasant, negative thoughts (like feeling guilty or that you are a bad or unworthy person). [Emphasis added by that pesky Polerand]

I have also read this as "Excessive guilt" which was just too funny to me. Didn't know it was a symptom, thought it was a personality trait -- sorry (heh, I'm funny at least in my eyes).

•Getting paints in your body or headaches that don't seem to have any physical cause.

Sometimes. Highly infrequent and probably something else ... like stress, or trying not to kill people. Too bad that's not one of the symptoms -- anger. I feel angry, for no reason, right now. Odd.

Anyway, that was fun, was it not? I'm sleepy, but hey, no Japanese tomorrow, so no worries about sleep. Jazz are beating the Kings, for some odd reason, but even stranger is Vlade Divac shaved that fuzzy thing [beard] off his face. I think that's illegal in California -- they like to protect the woodland creatures and all. I distinctly saw, just now, a double-technical involving Karl Malone in which he yelled in a refs face. I could only make out one word through lip-reading -- BULLSHIT -- and I could make out the same word from the referee -- BULLSHIT. Heh.

More lyrical fun:

"I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so very special
I wish I was special"

Can feel that. I must be an English major, though, when "I want you to notice when I'm not around" makes me think of Addie Bundren from Faulkner's As I Lay Dying. Sad, sad, sad, mind warping ways.

I'm not feeling bad for the record, just felt like writing something. What was on my mind.

This weblog entry was posted with Frequency by Brad Rhine. (This is true -- it also contributed to my losing a post the other day, and I had, ironically, planned on giving the program credit as something I was playing with)

Blue

Minus "da be dee, da ba di" repeated ad naseum. You see --

Let me interrupt this scheduled post to complain about some jerkweed who just started a movie in the "lobby" or whatever it is you'd call the central room of a floor shared by a bunch of "adult" teenaged males. And, although I want to say "He must be deaf because the volume is cranked up loud enough that it vibrates my toes on extended bass notes" I won't, since there is a half-deaf guy on my floor. I never held anything against him until he started yelling in his half-deaf voice across the floor, night or day. Now, I will have a prejudice against half-deaf guys and think they're jackasses. That, or just, guys. Eh. And I'm just passive aggressive enough to do something stupid to the television ... like donate it to charity.

-- I had noticed something odd the other day. Have you ever looked in your closet and just looked at the clothes there? I was doing that. Just looking. I have a lot of blue clothes, is what I noticed. Of course, 4 pairs of blue jeans, varying styles and shades of blue (but it's still blue; it's not periwinkle, navy blue, or any of that crap), which don't really count, but keep this in mind as an addition to the blue shatsu (Roughly 40% of modern Japanese is made up of English words -- and this is not researched and regurgitated from various sources) that I own. I'm currently wearing jeans and a blue Nike shirt-jersey. Sort of hard to explain, I guess. I have two long-sleeved button up, nice shirts, one solid dark blue, one lighter blue with a little bit of lines and pattern stuff. Another shirt that is button-up short sleeves, not so nice, light dark shirt with stripes. A solid dark blue shirt with 25 on the back from playing soccer. Several other shirts that have big blue stripes or are somehow deceptively blue. I also have two blue sweaters. Heh.

So anyway, I like blue. What's it to you? Get this, I just watched my system clock go from 11:59 PM to 12:00 AM (not exactly earth-shattering I know) and, as it was switching, part of the numbers disappeared off the screen. Weirdness. What did I do today? Nothing. I slept until noon, did a little bit of homework (still have a little bit left), watched a lot of television, and read things on my computer, while not really doing anything. On days like this, I panic big time. I freak out. Couple reasons, I guess. Sometimes it'll make me wig out because to do nothing, I have to be shirking on something. Although I did shirk on some of my work today, it's not bothering me because it's very, very little, and I know there won't be anything coming behind it. Next week is Dead Week, and after that, Finals, and after that, Summer. Not that summer will be blissful or anything. But eh, it'll be new. Sort of. Another I'll do is think. That's always a problem, as well. Thinking --> Bad. I can easily get depressed when I have free time. Especially when I think I could be doing nothing, but having fun while doing nothing, like fun with other people or some such.

But not today. Not really, at least. It was juts nice to finally relax. Sure, I've felt a little bit stir crazy, like I should be doing something, anything, productive or not, so that's why I'm writing up this goofy post. I think too much on saturday evenings. And I've noticed that I've gradually worn my space bar down and it shines where I put my left thumb down repeatedly. I don't use my right thumb, because I'm not a "real" typist, but I actually learned only a slight bit of real typing, and threw it into my hunt-and-peck method. I don't need to look at the keyboard to talk, in fact, I'm not right now as I'm watching Office Space on Comedy Central (which means, it's a suckier version of the movie). Jennifer Aniston's a looker. And so am I, in my blue outfits.

Ni

First off, I'd just like to say I'm really pissed off right now. Really pissed off. I just wrote up this huge post and stuff and it disappeared. I had copied it, tried posting it to no avail and then tried waiting patiently and pasting it in TextEdit to save. No go. Instead it pasted some link that I did copy to make up my full post, but I should have copied over after I finished the post. Damn thing. As if I need something else to tell me things I do don't matter. Sigh.

I don't know if I'll have the energy to spend another twenty minutes on a post, but I'll friggin' try. Sigh. When I get frustrated, I get hot (and no, I don't mean hot in a good way). When I play video games and things go wrong, I usually end up having to take off my shirt because I get so angry. Feeling it right now. And my contacts are bugging me, too. And whine, whine, whine. Ok.

Busy week. Tuesday night I spent about 4 hours working on my manuscript, writing and editing and all that fun stuff. It was almost mind-numbing. I had including some clever little thing about what I named files, in my "first draft" of this post, but I'm not in the mood. So instead of sharing something that probably wasn't funny, I'm keeping it to myself. Nyah.

We read Ginsberg's Howl in class on Wednesday. Lit. professor met Ginsberg and was in his presence while he "propositioned" a student in front of her. Interesting to me. This was originally a paragraph consisting of 7 or so lines.

My bit about the funeral, since it was going to be longer but I'm ... shortening it, sigh. Taps is sad to hear at a funeral, no matter what.

I'm finished.